Tramadol Days, Zopiclone Nights

I’ve been sitting here on my sofa, writing my novel on my Macbook. It’s a long haul of a journey, writing a novel. A good eighteen months of work for me. I am on the final third, at the point where I am emerged in the story and caught up with the thoughts, feelings and actions of my characters. It is a strange place to be. Lots of questions: Is this working? Can I pull it off? Am I completely mad?

Being a writer can be easy. When the words flow and the sentences form and the pages fill with the truths of what it is to be human, it is the best. When you are stuck, blocked, and finding anything to do other than write – even housework or food shopping – you wish you had a regular 9 to 5 job where someone told you what to do. On the other hand, I don’t like being told what to do. I like to be the one in charge. Being a writer means I can boss around my characters, tell them what to do. But, strangely, at this point in the novel, they are taking control of the narrative. This is an exciting but scary place to be.

But nothing is straightforward in life, certainly not in mine. I live with fibromyalgia, a long term condition which causes pain all over the body and extreme tiredness. Plus a whole load of other complications.

Fibromyalgia symptoms

I don’t know how long I’ve had it but I was officially diagnosed a couple of years ago. I have good days and bad days and never know how I will wake up… so I do all the things I am supposed to do to get by. I pace myself, I build in days when I can rest to counteract the busy days. If I push through the pain, I pay for it later. I try and get out for a walk with the dogs everyday, breathe in the sea air and absorb the goodness of the landscape around me.

I take my medication – pregabalin, an anti-convulsant, sertraline, an anti-depressant (as with many fibromyalgia sufferers, I have depression that ranges from moderate to severe, and sometimes anxiety can get the better of me), tramadol when the pain is bad and zopiclone to help me sleep as I am the world’s worst insomniac.

I also see a therapist who takes the burdens off my shoulders (shoulders that a wonderful chiropractor manipulates once a month).

My life is a balance: creativity versus quality of life. If I don’t take the medication, the pain and depression are overwhelming but I can write for England. If I do take the medication, then I have a certain fuzziness that I have to shake to get the words out.

fibromyalgia_2

But life is like this for all of us. We have to balance the good and the bad. We have to work out what is important to us, who is important to us. We have to look at the big picture as well as pay attention to the details. We have to trust in our instincts and use what wisdom and experience we have to the best effect.

And this is true of writing.

There is no cure for fibromyalgia. There’s no cure for being a writer either. I have to accept this but hope – always hope –  that my life and stories count for the people I love.

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15 thoughts on “Tramadol Days, Zopiclone Nights

  1. Glad to hear that another book is in the pipeline, but I am sorry to hear that you are feeling down. Even if it is gloomy today (and the forecast predicts the same for tomorrow) Spring is hopefully around the corner and a bit of sun always brightens the spirits. I know pain is not good, it is depressing and energy consuming, but hopefully you will feel a bit better soon.

  2. Sophie, this made me feel really sad for you, having such a life-limiting condition. When I worked for the Hospital & Home Ed department as a peripatetic teacher, I encountered teens with similar conditions, ME, depression, school phobia, things that isolated them from everyday life. I am struck, reading your post, by the same sense of resolute courage that they also exhibited in their young lives. You have and will achieve so much. You have my undying respect. X

    • I don’t feel courageous, Carol. I feel like I am limping along, trying to do my best and be a good person, but like most of us, failing… but thanks for your kind words. x

  3. I empathise with the balancing act. That in itself can be exhausting. Whenever i think of you, i think of your books and the universal truths you manage to tell in your own bitter sweet way. That’s why i am saving up to have a mentoring package with you. Because i respect your work. Totally. Your words are what define you Sophie and your words will endure. X

  4. Sophie, I truly feel for your situation as i have MS. You are doing a good balancing act between your limitations and the thing you love doing best, writing. I have every admiration for your resolute determination to juggle two things in your life which are on opposite sides of the coin. Keep your spirits up, enjoy your characters, and yes! Spring is just around the corner … Rosy

    • I didn’t realise you had MS, Rosy. That’s tough – so you’ll know what I’m talking about… I know I’m blessed to have writing in my life and don’t know what I’d do without it. x

  5. Like you, I feel Blessed to have the writing. It’s a wonderful gift, and maybe given to us for a reason … Escapism is a wonderful thing, and like me, you love reading. How blessed we are … Rosy x

  6. I hope you never find a cure for being a writer! I have Fibro too and Bipolar…I find my meds and moods have such an impact on my creativity. A little manic wouldn’t go amiss, but then I’d burn myself out and end up struggling, in more pain & depressed too. Wishing you luck with the balancing act and the novel.

  7. When I was at my worst with my spinal problems I was given tramadol they did not agree with me neither did the amitryptilene though that did have the side effect of providing some of the freakiest dreams I have ever had, I found I did most writing on a morning before the days meds built up in my system, you have my sympathies that you have to live with the balancing act

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