1.Do not comment on their Facebook posts or they will de-friend you and how will you then spy on them? (That is if you are lucky enough to have been accepted as a friend in the first place. It is a privilege. Do not abuse it.)
2. Do not buy clothes from Topshop. Their clothes are designed for sprites, not women who have given birth several times. Don’t compete with your teenage daughter. Just accept you have to move on to M&S.
3. Do not buy underwear for your teenage sons. There comes a point when they should make their own choice in this department. Apart from paying for them and washing them, do not get involved.
4. Do not say anything about your own experiences as a teenager. It is embarrassing and futile. They will still know more than you.
5. Do not ask them about their friendship troubles. You won’t understand or be able to help and even if you do have some words of wisdom these will be met with a sigh and a huff.
6. Do try and aim for at least one meal together as a family per week. It is extremely hard to round up all members and contain in one room for any length of time but give it your best shot. Failing that, offer to take them to Pizza Express or Yo! Sushi. That usually has the desired effect but obviously means you will be even more skint and your arguments can be heard by the general public.
7. Do agree to being taxi driver as often as you can. This is the best time for talking with your teen, when there is no eye contact and Radio 1 is pulsing in your ears.
8. Do believe that this time will pass and you will one day not lie in bed worrying about sex, drugs, booze, cars, exams, university applications, gap years, stripped out bank accounts and fridges. There will be plenty of other worries to be had in the future.